My Pregnancy Story (Part 2)

What Pregnancy Has (Honestly) Been Like So Far

I’m typing this post from my couch with several pillows behind my back. I’m wearing a sweater that I’ve put on and taken off about three times in the last hour because my body can’t decide what resting temperature it prefers. I’m also rocking a pair of knee-high compression socks to help with the swelling in my lower body. I will be 31 weeks pregnant tomorrow.

I’ve wanted to write about my experience with being pregnant for a while, but something kept holding me back. For the longest time, I felt like I was still too deep in the transition I’ve been going through to know how to put it into words. So many changes have happened to me on a physical and emotional level. It’s been a lot to process.  

Before getting pregnant, I didn’t know what to expect. I wish someone had warned me about how itchy my nipples would get, or how quickly a wave of nausea can hit you. In my first trimester, I became a specialist in vomiting in awkward places, like my coffee cup, my neighbour’s garden, and an Ikea garbage can. I also learned to brace myself when I sneeze, because there’s a good chance I might pee a little. And don’t get me started on the cruel dichotomy of feeling perpetually exhausted but unable to fall asleep because of hormonal changes.

There are also the changes that hit me later in my pregnancy, like the insane brain fog. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve left my house without my wallet, forgotten basic information about myself, including my age and middle name, or left my car keys hanging in my front door overnight. I’ve also developed an uncomfortable condition called vulvar varicosities, which has resulted in me wearing a compression garment that resembles a chastity belt. Let’s just say I’m not a candidate for Paris Fashion Week this year.

In addition to the physical changes I’ve experienced, there are also the intense emotional shifts. I often feel like I’ve been held hostage by my hormones. One minute, I will feel calm, loving and at peace, and the next, I’m breaking down in tears or feeling a wave of rage without knowing why. Sometimes, my emotions feel so foreign, it’s as if I’m living in someone else’s body.

I could also fill a scroll with all the intrusive thoughts that keep popping up. Here’s a list of greatest hits: “What if I’m not a good parent?” “What if something goes wrong?” “What if I lose myself once I become a mother?” “What will postpartum be like?” “Why are you complaining so much? Your pregnancy is a blessing and you sound ungrateful.” “Are you sure you can do this?”

It doesn’t help that my phone’s algorithm continues to feed me video after video with ominous titles like: “Six things I would never eat while pregnant,” or “How to avoid a horrific labour.”

In many ways, being pregnant has felt like walking straight into the fire of my deepest insecurities. Things that I thought I had at least somewhat healed have been resurfacing at lightning speed. Fear, shame, feelings of inadequacy and imposter syndrome are just a few of the things I’ve been contending with. 

To help me get through, I’ve gotten creative with my self-care practices. While some of my tried and true tools, like journaling and Reiki have stayed the same, I came to realize I could no longer commit to a long daily breathwork practice. I’ve started doing short and gentle meditations, and on the days where I’m actually disciplined enough to do them, I notice the difference.  

I’ve also had to modify my workouts. Before getting pregnant, I used to enjoy lifting weights. While many people can still lift throughout their pregnancies, in my case, the swelling in my veins made it too painful. I ended up swapping weight training for prenatal yoga and Pilates, and I’ve actually learned that Pilates isn’t so bad!  

One of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make since getting pregnant was reducing my availability for breathwork sessions with clients. Between working a nine to five, attending a slew of prenatal appointments, and the general fatigue of being pregnant, I needed extra space for rest.

As much as I wanted to do it all, I realized I couldn’t be a facilitator who walked her own talk if I didn’t prioritize my own wellbeing. And while I haven’t been able to pour into Soulsterhood as much as I would have liked over the past few months, I’ve come up with a new on-demand offering that I can’t wait to share very soon. (By the way, it’s free!)

Despite everything I’ve shared about the challenges of being pregnant, there have also been the joyful experiences. Whenever I think about the little life that’s growing inside of me, I’m overwhelmed with gratitude. I wonder what this tiny soul must be feeling and sensing. I imagine holding them for the first time and my heart swells with love.

Connecting with other mothers and pregnant people has helped me to understand that it’s normal to go through a grieving process when you are preparing for parenthood. While I’m so excited to become a mother, I’m also mourning the life I’m leaving behind. Pretty soon, I will be responsible for another being. I will no longer just have myself to think about, and it will be a lot harder to make spontaneous plans.

I’ve realized that I’m allowed to be excited and overjoyed about being pregnant. I’m also allowed to feel anxious, cranky and exhausted. All of my feelings are valid. That doesn’t make me a bad mother.

As I look to the weeks ahead, there are so many unknowns. I have no idea what day my baby will decide to make their entry into the world, how long my labour will last, or what my birth story will look like. All I know is that my life is about to change forever. I can’t wait to meet the tiny, beautiful being that’s growing inside me.